my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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