Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
