video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
