I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
