you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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