I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
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she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
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Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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