Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
