I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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