y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
