I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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