it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
