I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
