she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
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It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
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I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
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