you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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