don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
