Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
