hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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