A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Randomize
