i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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