Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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