Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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