drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
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I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
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I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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