Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
