my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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