This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Randomize
