i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
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