I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
