Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
