sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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