I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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