Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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