Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
