Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
i think my cat just said my name.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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