Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Ambien. No doubt about it.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
