just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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