First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
