My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Watching her eat just hurts me
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
