just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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