the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
