i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
