the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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