tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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