I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
True strength comes from lack of pants
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
