You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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