so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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