my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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