so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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