Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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