who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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