We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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