im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
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