I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
