I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
