the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.