there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
